I'm ready to blast out.
Reclaim life.
Be bold, take an adventure, make my move, my mark.
Not be afraid that life events will drag me back down again.
Because, oh, they will.
They will pull and perseverate and gnash their yellowed teeth until
I let go and drop to the floor once more
roll myself into a ball
cocoon myself in my home, my bed, my quilt
not take calls
but the calls have stopped anyway, haven't they?
and it's not so easy to be a ball
it does tend to hurt the back, the joints, the neck, the grasping hands around the bent knees
but it's also not so easy to bend away from that petrified position
once atrophy has set in.
How many freaking knocks can I take, anyway?
I stand up and I'm punched in the stomach.
I bend over and I'm thumped on the back.
I strike out and my arms are slashed.
The pain keeps coming, from all sides
until I learn to expect it
and that's when it stops, when I inch up, ever so slightly,
peel back the quilt, sit up in bed
but just when I start to trust the calm
pain returns, doubly so
[because it's tricky
and it's not there to be mean
IT JUST IS THERE
Why me? I ask
Why me? You ask]
But I'm done
I've played the game
Been hit with
sick child/ misunderstanding doctors/ challenging school district/ humongous medical expenses
family strife/ my own illness/ more medical bills/ horrible credit card statements/ finding doctors
missing work/ disbelieving family members/ clutter/ more medical bills/ lost childhoods/ sadness/ too much stress
I take a breath
Maybe I understand my kid's fatigue better because I too suffer
But I will recover
I strive to be strong
to be back on my bicycle
and I do
I do
I do recover
I am strong
I keep going
I am the example
I can do it
So can you
So can you
It becomes a mantra
I rediscover my need to not just stand up straight
but to stretch my back and challenge my legs
to be with friends and talk about something other than illness
to laugh
to sit in the sun
to laugh again
to hug others
to lie on the beach
and not be pulled out to sea each time
but to fight the undertow
I fight
because that is what I have become
I compartmentalize
because that is what I must do
I find pleasure in moments
because that is the way
to survive
and now
that is no longer enough
I have no control over the fate of my child
over the course of the disease
I have no control over my own internal organs that are affected
but I will forge ahead
and begin, once again, to dream
I wanted to travel, write, experience LIFE (not sadness, although that is a HUGE part of life, to be sure, and once upon a time, I believed that sadness and agony were crucial to a good artist/writer but I swear that I've had more than enough to write a zillion novels by now)
I need to remember my dreams
remember who I am
before this
and after this
and even, during this
I am exploding out of my cocoon, grasping back the life that waits
telling my children to follow my example
for through my strength they will bloom
there are still moments of
grievingstressanxietydespairdesperationdepressionrollintoaballdontletmegohugme
and
lifesuckswhatdidIeverdowhowasIinmypastlifewhywhywhy
There are more moments of
I can do this despite
I will go beyond
We will
I hand you my ball of strength
it can be shared like fire
Use it well
and pass some on
Dedicated to a special friend, to all my special friends, the kind who will pass this energy back when I most need it. With love,
Lisa W-K