New Vaccines on the Horizon

Scientists from three top universities and international research centers report that several new vaccines are currently being tested on mammalian populations that will have direct impact on human lives in the next half decade. 

Dr. Elias Mishigas, top researcher of Itsadeal Corp., reports that several new vaccines currently being tested on mammalian populations will have direct impact on the lives of humans in a manner of years. "These vaccines are particularly vital to the health of our young people," says Dr. Mishigas. "We expect them to be mandated in all educational systems throughout the world."

The first of these vaccines will benefit school children as well as the professionals who work with them; it's a vaccine to quell feelings of inhumanity and to further excite empathy. A varying vaccine will be created for politicians and there has been a grassroots petition, ironically from anti-vaxxers, requesting that the scientists create a single-dose, highly viral version for executives at pharmaceutical companies.

Another new-to-market vaccine is casually referred to as the Schmendrick. This vaccine will assist in keeping people employed; it will prevent hazardous mistakes, tripping on sidewalks, speeding on highways and children falling off of their seats in the classroom (or falling from trees, should they deign to climb them).

The last exciting vaccine will be introduced in about five years (too late for people parenting teenagers now) and will be administered to pre-teens, with the intent to eventually stab infants. The anti-ass vaccine, as it has been nicknamed by assisting post-doc students, will save young people the despair and inner torment that frequently plague children as they travel through adolescence. Side effects of this vaccine include a very open relationship with parental figures, fewer broken walls and crashed cars, obedience and increased affection. Currently, the vaccine is off the market as it is too potent, creating a laissez-faire attitude that diminishes motivation (the five humans studied gave up all sports, failed to get good grades and settled in for nightly Netflix, without the chill.)

Vaccines will be administered via needle, nose-spray or a lotion that is rubbed into a pillow (upon which the patient sleeps, absorbing the effects directly into the nasal passage and brain). Adjuvants and other additives include aluminum, formaldehyde, squaline derived from the liver of sharks, fetal tissue, arsenic, carbon monoxide and trace amounts of Botulinum. The vaccines themselves are completely safe; the adjuvants and additives may result in rashes, rectal bleeding, encephalitis or worse, but only if there are generations of documented immunological issues in the biological family, and even then, all of this will be printed in size 2 font.

Note: all studies have been funded in part by Merck, Eli Lilly, Pfizer and the Korea General Chemical Trading Corporation, a North Korean industry leader. This author has no ties to any of the above and simply believes in safe-vaccinating and a happy, healthy life.