Day of Atonement

And really, I shouldn't be anywhere near this electronic obsession of mine. I shouldn't be touching money (I'm not right now) and I shouldn't be writing. I should be reading and going to services and contemplating. I shouldn't be using the phone. And I should be fasting.

Well, I'm fasting. For the morning, right now. But if fatigue overcomes me, if I feel I won't have enough patience for my family, I won't. We are going to services (by the lake if the weather works for us!) And the best part of the day will be a visit with my brother and sister-in-law and their family to break the fast. My son has been so looking forward to my SIL's cooking that I made him noodle-kugel this weekend. It doesn't get much better than butter, eggs, sugar, noodles, cottage cheese and sour cream. With a sprinkling of cinnamon. 

What do I atone for?

I don't call my friends enough. I don't think about the smaller problems that people have and sometimes look down upon them, when ours are so much greater and little problems don't mean much to me anymore.

Maybe I'm not there enough for friends who are going through rough moments, or maybe, knowing how challenging my life is, they don't fill me in as once they did.

I will try to not hold resentments in my heart.

Why waste more time and emotion thinking about the doctors who didn't believe us. And on that note, good news! We are taking our son to see Dr. Judith Leventhal, a neuropsychologist who is Lyme Literate. We knew this--everyone who knows my son knew this--but it's good to hear her say it (well, my husband heard it)--she told my son that he is bright. And that the spirochetes in his brain slow down his processing.

Thank you, thank you! It's good to have that validation. 

What to atone for?

I can't say I'm sorry for having a messy house. I'm not sorry. And we work to keep it not so messy. 

I'm sorry that I lose patience, at school, at home. I try to remain calm and patient all day with my 22 5th grade students. And I try to remain calm and patient all night with my 2 kids. And I mean allllllll night because one or the other is waking us up. And if it's not them, then I'm so used to getting up that I wake up anyway! 

I'm sorry that I can't correct this last batch of homework, that I've been carrying it back and forth and back and forth with me. No, I don't mind that my school has asked us not to give homework on certain days (nights of concerts, etc.) Less homework means less correcting for me.

I'm sorry that I'm not working on my book. I looked at it recently and I don't like the first chapter again. I know that there's a good message in the story and that I need to finally write the whole thing and try to get it published. But I'm out of inspiration right now and out of energy.

I'm sorry that I'm not playing guitar or singing. I will cut my nails and pick up the guitar and practice before we have our classroom talent show. I'm sorry I'm not bicycling. My last ride was my 52 miler. I'm wiped out every Saturday now and Sunday is dedicated to the kids' activities. So, I must really apologize to myself because our lives and the stress we go through have affected the way I treat myself.

I don't covet anyone else's husband. I don't steal. I don't lie. 

I am sorry for gossiping. It happens at times. It's an inate sin. I try not to do it often and I usually am on the listening end, and I never gossip about a friend. My friendships are golden and sacred.

I don't cheat.

But I don't keep the Sabbath. Although, lately, I feel like I could lie in bed all day at least once a week, but somehow I don't think that's what anyone had in mind about keeping the Sabbath. 

I don't believe in false gods, but perhaps I put faith in false medicines? And I'm not even sure I believe in The G-d, but I'm not taking any chances and thus writing the name with a hyphen. I find it hard to believe when I see so much suffering. And then I marvel at how some people believe even more strongly, and get faith and strength from their belief. 

I do believe in the strength of good thoughts, good actions of people. And the love of a dog.

I believe in grabbing the moments of happiness as they come, which is why I'm just hanging out in my bed, writing away in quiet when I need to get up, shower (oops--not supposed to do that on Yom Kippur) and get to services in an hour. An HOUR???? 

Bye!