You've Got Mail...I Mean Lyme

I am driving down the road, nervously glancing around for a gas station. My gas mileage meter shows that only have enough gas for 1 more mile. I think I see one of those gas stations/food marts up ahead to the left. Will I have enough gas to get there?

I wake up. Phew. Just a dream.

You'd never know it to look at me. I don't show my symptoms. But I have Lyme Disease. I'm finally starting to believe it. Accept it.

Hate it.

It's taken a while for it to truly sink in. How are others supposed to believe it if I don't? Sure, my tests came back CDC positive. What that means to me is that my immune system is strong enough to create antibodies. My daughter's test is also CDC positive. My son, who is by far the sickest, vacillates between negative tests and tests with just a few bands. Whatever. We know that much of the testing is worthless anyway. Lyme doesn't like to linger in the blood when all that juicy tissue provides a much better hiding place.

Not only that, but my doctor and a few well-intentioned people have mentioned that some of my symptoms could be indicative of Bartonella, which often appears as negative on blood tests. Hmmm. I've suspected that my son has had Bartonella. Could I have so lovingly passed this on to him? And if that's the case, might my daughter also have it?

Hmmm. If I truly have this disease, if I don't have a false positive diagnosis, if my fatigue isn't due to 1. my age or 2. all the things I do; if my anxiety isn't just due to 1. my son being so incredibly ill for 4 years or 2. the difficulties his school system has thrown in our way; if my forgetting isn't due to 1. hormones/age, then I have the most insidious disease possible.

Because, except for being tired (and for that I blamed trying to do too much and the mononucleosis I had when I was 20,) I wasn't aware that anything outside of myself was causing the turmoil I felt inside of myself. I'm a problem-solver and I always look first to myself as being...well, the problem! 

But this stuff isn't fixable by just controlling emotions or dealing with them. This is real. It's medical. And it's deadly, if left undisturbed.

So I'm shaking it up. I'm treating it. Which is shaking ME up more.

Since going on the Byron White, Serrapeptase, etc., I'm not as lethargic in the morning. I'm not as dizzy. I realize now that what I've perceived as fatigue has sometimes been dizziness.

But now I'm getting headaches. Oh gads, my hair is hurting. And I get foot cramps that wake me up in the middle of the night and can't be massaged away. Good times, good times. But here's the worst one for you: I'm bewitched.

Oh, how I wish I could cast magic spells. I wiggle my nose and wiggle my nose but I can't wish this wiggle away. And I used to think it was funny that I could reinact a bunny rabbit. When I chose to. I don't choose to have a tic that feels like an itch. Yikes.

Maybe everything I ever believed about myself is different from reality. 

Joint pain? Don't have it. My son does, though. But maybe...those running pains really were due to Lyme? 

Antibiotics...I'm allergic. Have been for 20 years, beginning with Biaxin. But maybe...all those rashes and hives were herxes?

Eating disorder in my late teens/20s? Compulsions? Was this due to my childhood? Environmental? Or caused by untreated Lyme Disease? Who the heck knows?

Maybe I am someone other than the person I believed myself to be. I grew up with beautiful Connecticut woods on two sides of my yard. I played outside all day, made forts in the woods, climbed trees, came into the house and stood still for my mother so she could remove ticks.   

So, I have Lyme. I have Lyme. Lyme. Lyme.  Say it ten times. But I'm strong, also, and can work, and am in much better shape than so many others who suffer from Lyme. When compared with my son, my Lyme doesn't manifest itself that intensely.

What does this mean? Rather than distance myself from those who have worse cases of Lyme, I need to be their voice too, somehow. I need to tell you that we have Lyme Disease and if left untreated, it can be terrifyingly debilitating. Protect yourself now from ticks. Before you're bitten as well.

Furthermore, after doing research, I no longer believe in false positives when it comes to Lyme testing. 

I need to let others know that you can't always tell when someone is sick. Because often, it's so far inside that you won't see it. Those of us who have pride and can continue to function in life tend to cover it up. Curse into a pillow. Hold our nose so it won't wiggle. Drink a cocktail at the holiday party. Stay at home and sleep. Persevere, albeit secretly. When it comes right down to it, most people don't want to know.

They just want you to smile for the camera. Until they come down with Lyme. Then they need help.

Comments

[stacy]

So very scary how perfectly you penned my life. Except for the fact I past it to 4 kids, 2 still at home and one with PANDAS as well. And many others I'm certain.
We have found Homeopathy and it has made an enormous difference in our lives.
Blessings to you and yours.